roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
