My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
