Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
