My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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