I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
