when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
