i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
