Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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