When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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