So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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