Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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