After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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