Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
