First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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