you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
