I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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