Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
