"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
