I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
