Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
no you cant smoke seaweed
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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