She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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