I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
