Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
