No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
