Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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