If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
