Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
