I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
