I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Randomize
