My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
