last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
