youre lurking in front of me
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
