I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
