Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
