He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
