Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
