I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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