He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
