I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
