I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Even my vagina gasped.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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