do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
