I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
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