i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize