Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
