This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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