Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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