my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
