peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize