Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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