I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
