well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
