At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
