I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
