Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
