OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
