My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
