Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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